7 Things Every Lesbian Has Heard (And My Responses)

Depending on who you are, this may either be a huge surprise or the most redundant post/news ever, but I’m attracted to women, not dudes, aka a lesbian. As a member of the LGBTQ+ community, I have received a number of comments and questions on my sexuality, generally within the first month of people knowing about it.

I generally take it all with a laugh, my sexuality is just another aspect of me and I personally don’t find it to be overly important. This isn’t the case for everyone though. For a lot of people, some of these questions or comments are a HUGE source of frustration/anger, so please pause and think before asking them.

All of these are pulled from the mouths of friends in the past few months, and though I love them, their general confusion, assumptions and lack of tact both baffle me and give me quite a laugh.

WAIT! You’re gay/lesbian/not straight?

Generally heard after learning you’re a lesbian (or really any non-straight identity) for the first time.

In my case, the following exchange is the main reason it occurs and my main coming out method: 

Stock friend 1: « What do you think of *generic attractive male specimen*? »

Me: « I’m not really the person to ask, I’m gay. Like I can identify that he’s probably good looking, but I’m just kind of confused? »

Stock friend 1: *see question/exclamation at the top*

I would have never guessed!

Good thing there aren’t gaydar competitions then.

A lot of people do not present themselves following TV stereotypes. Some love the culture/style and own it, but I’m not one of them. 

It would be like saying straight women must have full makeup, cutesy dresses and long hair and straight men must have tailored suits, cropped hair, and enough cologne to suffocate a whale (I’m sorry to those who like cologne, but bleh). Seems kind of restrictive doesn’t it?

Do you/Did you ever have a crush on me? or Do you find me good looking?

So many things to say about this:

  1. Just because I am attracted to women and like you as a friend does not mean anything
  2. If I did have a crush on you this could get hella awkward hella fast
  3. If I say no it’s still awkward because I now feel like I’ve somehow insulted you
  4. I’m not someone who goes for looks and generally this question just confuses me a lot because I genuinely do not know

Do you have a crush on X friend?

I haven’t actually gotten this very often (only twice actually), but it still seems weird. Just because I get along/spend time with someone doesn’t mean I have a crush on them.

It generally makes me laugh a little though because it reminds me of friendship goals tumblr posts (I never thought those posts could apply to me)

How do you know you don’t like guys if you’ve never dated one?

I just do. I’ve never been attracted to a guy whereas crushes on girls have been the bane of my existence (even before I pieced together all the hints).

On another note, it’s not like I’m opposed to the idea, it’s just that I’m not about to date randoms for whom I harbour no feelings.

How do you differentiate between feelings for crushes and friends?

I still don’t understand how this question needs to be answered, but I’ll do it anyway:

Romantic* and platonic attraction have an immensely different effect on a person, even if you harbour both of these feelings for the same person. At least, for me, wanting to be around a friend is quite an ache, but wanting to be around a crush is like being dragged around by the heartstrings and then aching because the relationship you have with the person is not the one you want.

*Only mentioning romantic attraction because that’s really the only attraction I’ve felt. I probably fall on the ace spectrum too, so yeah…

When did you know?

Every single LGBTQ+ person gets this. It almost feels like a rite of passage. So here’s my little story summed up in a few sentences:

I knew since my 9th grade in high school, but I was super in denial (think « it’s not a crush, I just super really want to be friends with this person »). 4 years, 2 monstrously massive crushes and one unidentifiable broken heart later (I really am an oblivious one), I started thinking what if and allowing myself to accept the idea. A few weeks after, I tell my mom and a handful of friends, I mean, coming out is mandatory right? A year later at Glendon, I come out to a handful of people and then get annoyed with it (why do I need to announce it to the world, it doesn’t affect them at all); I decide to tell people only if necessary or asked, no lying, but no annoyingly useless repetitions.

Not an overly exciting story. No family drama, no friend drama, no flamboyant change of look or cultural shift. I was afraid at first, I owned up to it, and then I just let it be.

My friends and peers mean well, but they sometimes forget that a person’s life need not revolve around their sexuality. In any case, I’ll keep answering these questions until the day I die, although I do hope it will become part of a universal common sense before then (no one likes to sound like a broken record).

~Nad

P.S. To the friends who recognise their words, I hope you take no offense in my replies. I still love you, but you can be quite silly sometimes. 

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